Why I Should Be Robert De Niro's Next Black Wife

Robert, call me IMMEDIATELY

It’s very beautiful and stunning that just two weeks after announcing that this newsletter would be weekly, I didn’t send one out for two weeks. Very beautiful. Very stunning and not at all a disappointment. I have excuses, of course, but they’re not as important as Jason Sudeikis looking sooo divorced at the Golden Globes or Rosamund Pike returning to our screens as a Very Scary Woman in a Very Mediocre Movie (I love).

But we’re not here to talk about that. No, we’re here to talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: Why I Should Be Robert De Niro’s Next Black Wife.

To some Robert De Niro might be an odd Celebrity crush but to other Black girls whose mother let them watch A Bronx Tale and the Godfather trilogy when they were going through a Very Formative Stage of their life, Robby is the obvious choice. Yes, Bobby D is a ripe 77 years old and, yes, I am a fresh 20 but there have been greater age differences in the history of American marriage. I’m not arguing that we’re soulmates, I’m just saying Robert is single and I am single and maybe that’s not a coincidence.

1. I am Black

This one is pretty obvious. To be Robert De Niro’s Next Black Wife, one must be Black. For reference, both of Robert’s exes, Diahnne Abbott and Grace Hightower, are black women (And his ex-girlfriend, Toukie Smith, with whom he also has children). I feel like by already being Black, I have a really good chance to be His Next Black Wife.

2. I am a Woman

Some might consider this an important detail to be Robert De Niro’s Next Black Wife. Specifically, I am a hot woman. All of his exes are hot so I would fit right in which is really important when choosing a Next Black Wife.

3. I am a Leo

Robert is also a Leo. *Beyoncé voice* I don’t know much about astrology but I feel like this is a good match??? Like, Leos love to talk about themselves and most of my personality is watching Robert De Niro movies so if he wants to talk about himself and I want to talk about myself (which is just talking about him) then I feel like we’ll never be disappointed. Did that make sense?

4. I’ve Never Watched The Irishman

Now, you might say, “Shannon, wouldn’t Robert De Niro’s Next Black Wife have seen all of his movies?” To that I say no, a good Next Black Wife would also have good taste in films. This is how you know I love Bobby because if I had seen The Irishman, I would have to lie to him and say “Actually, yes, anti-aging technology works well in films” and “That was NOT boring and did not need to be 45 minutes shorter.” I can sit with my head empty of Experimental Blue Eye Contacts.

5. I Have Watched A Bronx Tale

This doesn’t make me one of a kind but I do think it’s super important that I supported my man in his directorial debut before I even knew he was my man. A Bronx Tale didn’t soothe relations between the Black and Italian communities in the Bronx, sure, but I’m not from the Bronx; I’m from various New England suburbs. A Bronx Tale also didn’t spark a crush on a young Lillo Brancato Jr. but it did make me say, “Okay but who’s the old guy playing Calogero’s dad?” Is this something I should address with a therapist? Perhaps, but instead I have this newsletter :))))

A Few Recs…

Ted Lasso on Apple TV+ (TV)

Real Life by Brandon Taylor (Book)

Okay, talk to you soon.